


ideation

by superfeel (josefumin)



Category: Drag-On Dragoon | Drakengard
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24125494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josefumin/pseuds/superfeel
Summary: It takes experimentation to figure out exactly how to undo your immortality.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	ideation

He's so afraid. He's so afraid of _everything_ these days, but death especially. It's strange, to be afraid of what's lurking in your own breast, but here he is with a smiling helm and a hollowed out ribcage. Not even any scars past what Caim gave him.

Gods know he should have them. After he ran, after the guilt sank into his skin so deep that he had to leave his life behind, he tried so many ways. Starvation and dehydration had been first, half-accidental really, too poor and untrustworthy in the fucking mask to get more than rainwater and rats. But still, they hadn't worked. Urick's first two deaths had been gradual agony, his body shutting down only for it to set alight with will-o-wisp flames that burnt nothing. Well, maybe he needed more violence? Maybe if his partner in crime saw how much he resented their deal now, it'd leave?

(He'd known all along that pacts simply never worked that way. But cowards hope.)

Not that he knows for sure now, but he's _fairly_ certain that he once had his head lopped clean off his neck in a fight. That's his favourite death, if only for how quick and painless it was. An uncharacteristically sharp blade and solid swing from some strapping young bounty hunter, but no bounty is really worth seeing what comes from a man's eyes glowing green and red posthumously. So many deaths from fights he'd been glad to start, long as they fulfilled his conditions (no audience below the age of adulthood, no innocents in general, quick as possible). And still, every time, he'd woken up again with an aching, otherwise pristine body; the gleam in the pit of his gaping breast always mocked him for even trying to defy it, he knew.

He'd tried doing it himself, a few times. Less success on that front, of course. He hates pain, always has, but he hates the guilt even more. Hanging had been too gradual, too aware for his tastes. Drowning, hard to do when his body fought on every front to stay alive. Throwing himself into chasms had been prolonged and full of breakage and tears. He'd tried cutting his own head off once in dull, drunken desperation, but the Reaper had actually stopped his efforts with ghastly green hands. Bastard. Actual bastard. At least through his hard work, he'd figured out what exactly his immortality entailed. Even managed to find a witness later to tell him what had happened post-mortem, before they'd up and run away. Asked the Reaper what its terms were, what its weakness was, and it had simply told him, in that voiceless voice, that if he tries to have someone kill him when it's vulnerable, it'll fight tooth and bone to keep him whole.

There goes that. Can't ask anyone to kill him for money, even if he had a way of getting coin. There's too much risk of it going wrong, and he'd rather live in peaceful self-loathing than hate himself on the run or in a cell. And if he was taken prisoner, Yaha would visit. Yaha would come see him, beautiful, shining, and Urick would have to face what he left behind. Who he left behind. Nowe and Eris might come too, and they must be so big now, so full of righteousness that grimy, defiant Urick would probably disgust them just as radiant, ambitious Yaha once disgusted him. Wouldn't that be a laugh? He's afraid of that too, actually; of seeing Yaha, looking in his eyes and knowing what he _did_ , what he tried to ignore and 

no. He hates Yaha, and if he doesn't, then he might as well just crawl back to the Knights and keep the status quo. This way, at least, he can keep his plan going. Wait until there's a rebellion against the Knights. He knows there will be; it's hard to benefit off prisoners of war without ruffling feathers. Then the strapping young rebels will come along, undo the system, and eventually come to him. He'll be the last key. Then everything will have meaning. Or maybe the One Eyed Man will come along and finish what he started, and maybe dying at the hands of the man who saved the world, even for no reason, will be alright. Either way, he knows what he's doing now.

It's terrifying. So's living, at this point. If he can stop being afraid and atone in one swoop, then he can steel himself for death.


End file.
